Am I afraid of intimacy?

I’ve been trying to write this post for over a month now. I literally only had the title typed all of this time.

A conversation with my mentor during our one on one meeting opened up a floodgate of emotions that’s had me reeling ever since.

Up until my talk with my mentor, it didn’t even cross my mind that intimacy was an issue for me. I have family, friends and other loved ones around me whom I love very much and do life with. What I didn’t realize is that intimacy requires giving of yourself without fear of a consequence. I have so many people around me but there were still parts of my heart and emotions that I held back just in case things fell apart.

Some of my apprehension regarding intimacy can be attributed to my mother’s death. When she passed away when I was 16, my entire world came crashing down. The person I loved and trusted the most was gone. After my mother’s death, I was too afraid to love anyone else too much for fear of losing them too. I unknowingly built a wall around my heart and emotions and only allowed small doses out at a time.

I didn’t grow up with my biological father. So I looked for fatherly love in the men that my mother dated. This search for fatherly love and affection led to me being violated by a couple of the men that my mother dated. So somewhere in my mind, intimacy leads to violation. Although this was an erroneous correlation, it was one I made unconsciously.

Lastly, I had this huge fear of criticism. I was afraid to let people in because I thought “What if they get to know me and realize I’m not that great?”. I’ve had this huge fear of not measuring up to other’s expectations. I’m sure this had something to do with being raised in a Haitian household where the bar for everything is raised impossibly high.

I’ve been in a state of introspection for the past few months, well really the past few years. I really want to be the best me I can be. Not just for myself but for those that I love and will come to love.

I’ll be back next week with more of what God has been showing me about this intimacy thing. Until next time…Love y’all! Mean it!

Comment below and let me know if this post hit home for you.

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