Can I be totally honest?
Sometimes I doubt that God is going to bless me with a marriage. Sometimes I doubt I’ll ever find a man that’s going to truly love me. Sometimes I doubt that I’m worthy of a great marriage. I’ve never seen a great marriage up close. So there are times where it doesn’t seem real or doesn’t seem to exist.
I don’t have the testimony of grandparents that have been married for 50+ years. I didn’t grow up with my father in my home. I didn’t grow up seeing men treat women well.
This April will make five years since I’ve been single. Like, haven’t been on a date, haven’t kissed a man, no licking, no rubbing, no cuddling…SINGLE. In other words, complete DESERT. I’ve been careful to guard my space because I wanted to truly heal from my last relationship and learn from all of the mistakes I made in the past. When you have no guide for what a godly relationship and marriage looks like, you just kind of wing it. In my winging it, I made mistakes, hurt men and got hurt (REAL BAD) in the process.
Those mistake hurt me, they broke me and they matured me. When I look back on my past mistakes in relationships, I see purpose. And I’m not just saying that to be cliche. I learned how to speak to men. I learned how I deserved to be treated. I learned what not to accept. I learned to stand up for myself. Those relationships weren’t good to me but they were good for me.
The past five years, God has put a mansion sized mirror in my face and has forced me to look at my mess and forced me to make a choice. Am I going to continue on as a broken woman that hooks up with a broken man and forms a broken family. Or am I going to allow Him to heal me and make me whole so that I can meet a man that’s whole and start a lineage of whole children.
You know what keeps me going? It’s not the promise of a husband, baby, big house & white picket fence. It’s the knowledge that my life and my walk bring glory to my Heavenly Father. The fact that I’ve experienced a peace like no other these past few years. The fact that God has shown me on numerous occasions that He’s real and He loves me. It’s the knowledge that I have the potential to break the cycle of broken relationships in my family and be an example of God’s unconditional love in this earth.
God loves you and He keeps whispering it to you. He keeps showing you. And He keeps telling you, especially in His Word. Will that be enough for you today? I’ll admit, it didn’t use to be enough. But it’s becoming more and more enough each day. Every day, I have a reminder that pops up on my phone at 7am that says “God is enough TODAY”. And you know what? He is.
LET Him be enough for you today. You have to give Him permission to be enough.