About three years ago, during the summer of 2010, I re-dedicated my life back to Christ. I made up in my mind that I wanted to follow Christ with everything that was in me. I no longer wanted to walk the fence concerning our relationship. I asked God to give me my last crazy weekend with my girls, which was Memorial Weekend 2010, then I turned forward and didn’t look back. I was so on fire for Christ I’m pretty sure my friends thought I was crazy. He became so real to me and there was no turning back. I ended the toxic relationship that I had been in for two years and turned away from that. I was the happiest I had been in a long time and I did not care about how people perceived my radical behavior. That lasted for about a year.
This past weekend I got the opportunity to attend the I am Worth Experience at the Waldorf Astoria in Naples, FL. This event was put on by LaQuisha Williams of Girl Connection. We arrived on Friday night and had our first session, which was so productive. We had a session from 12am-6am and ended off at 6am with prayer by the pool. It was apparent that God’s presence was with us. I came with such expectation for the weekend that it was impossible that nothing would happen. Saturday morning we woke up and got ready to make our way to Marco Island for brunch. As I sat to wait for the other ladies to get ready, God began to minister to me. He began to speak to me about how closed off I’ve been and how I’ve allowed other people’s opinions of me to dictate who I’ve become. One of my best friends from high school always tells me how I’m so all or nothing. I wrote in my journal that I’m so black and white and that I did not how to be in the middle.
Last evening in my Christian Scriptures class-I’m in Seminary-we were talking about the Apostle Paul. We got to a point in the conversation and my professor said “Paul is an All or Nothing guy” and the light bulb went off in my head. The Apostle Paul was a man that went hard for whatever he believed in. When he was in the world he went hard in killing Christians because he hated them so much. Once Paul was converted he had no choice but to go hard for The Gospel because that’s the only way he knew how to be. And I am the same way. Before I re-dedicated myself to Christ, I thought there was no way I would ever marry a man without knowing how he was in bed. I didn’t think that I would ever stop cursing, drinking or partying. I figured, I’m human and God knows my heart. What I didn’t realize in saying that “God knows my heart” is that He really did know my heart. And He knew that I had no desire to change. I was perfectly fine going to church on Sundays and Wednesdays and doing my thing the other days of the week. I didn’t want to be a Holy Roller and be too “Radical” or stand out for Christ. Once I allowed God to really be Lord in my life and actually take over, I had no choice but to change. When He began to show me how real He is, I couldn’t stay the same. Once I realized that my body is a temple and the Holy Spirit resides in me, I could no longer have sex with my boyfriend, I now wanted to wait for my husband. The man who would wait for me and make a covenant with Christ AND me.
For the past year and a half I’ve allowed small comments from family, friends and associates to make me doubt who God has called me to be. I’ve strayed away from my fully sold-out self and because of that there’s been an ache in my soul. It wasn’t there 24 hours a day but as soon as I got quiet and settled down I knew that something wasn’t completely right with me. I wasn’t living completely for Christ. Sure I’ve started this blog, sure I accepted my call to preach, sure I’ve been abstaining totally from sex and sure I’ve started my Masters in Divinity but the core of who I’m supposed to be wasn’t complete. I held back in speaking what God told me to speak, I held back in proclaiming my beliefs and I held back in being authentically me. Simply because I was afraid of judgement or ridicule.
Well, this weekend literally shifted me back on course. Not living in complete Authenticity to myself will keep me unhappy and unfulfilled. I am so black and white because it’s the only way I know to be. I’m either for Christ or I’m not, there is no middle ground.
I am not out to offend anyone. However, if someone can’t stand my LIGHT, then that is just too bad. The core of who I am is the same but my message has been altered. He’s changed my life COMPLETELY and I can’t help but tell the WORLD!
iWaited Family, do not allow anyone to diminish who you are or cause you to put your lamp under a table. Matthew 5:16 tells us to “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven”. It’s all about Jesus for me, nothing that I am doing is for my benefit, I live to glorify my God.